I’ve debated beginning to share my thoughts in words again. Back in middle and high school, I used to share all the time. Especially in the days of Tumblr. where only a few people that knew me in real life could read it. Even though I am kind of an influencer and I share parts of my life where you can actually see, I’ve been nervous about opening back up through words, because words are ripe. I feel so vulnerable in this space. With video and picture, you only see what I present and the same is true with words, but I’d almost feel like I was cheating a bit if I didn’t share my full thought when allowing them to flow through my finger tips. So…here goes. Idk how long I’ll keep this up or even if I’ll share the link for people to read, but I’m about to let it go.
In this space, I want to talk about love. And to really think about it, that’s why I’ve been most hesitant about sharing my thoughts. Many times when women speak about love while single, it can come across as “thirsty” or is that me just projecting? Hm…But either way, I’m ripping the bandaid off and speaking loudly and clearly about it. It’s twofold. Firstly, I’m single, 35, with no kids. Secondly I’m single and Christian. Whew! So let’s get into it.
I’ve been single since 2022. I left my longtime girlfriend after many years of chasing the feeling that I thought I’d get from her. It wasn’t until 2025, 3 and a half years into my single season, that I discovered that although I have been single and seemingly healed, there were some really deep wounds that needed to be healed before God gave me the clearance to even be open to another relationship (which I’ll add, will be a marriage…we’ll get into that shortly). I fasted to hear clearer from God about my ministry and what I received from God was much deeper than the answers I was searching for.
I had some DEEP mother wounds that I had to heal from.
I was operating from a place of ego. Although subconscious, still very much ego.
I am definitely supposed to be in ministry, but just not your typical ministry.
I can finally be soft.
Let’s get into the mother wounds. So, a lot has happened this year. One of the major shifts in my life was the earthquake that happened in my mom and I’s relationship. Without going into too many details, our connection had been rocky since around the time that I had been single (I’m currently having a revelation in real time) and this year it got tossed around even more causing a huge breach. I said some things that were true, but could’ve been delivered differently or even not at all. The Holy Spirit convicted me and prompted me to call and apologize, even though I’d already apologized before. This time, the apology was from a place of release and growth. I took myself out of my own shoes and placed my feet into hers. I wanted her to know that I saw her as not just my mother but as a woman and I FEEL her. She is rarely SEEN by anyone, so it was important that I let her know that she was seen and felt by me. And prayerfully that helped a part of her that hasn’t been touched either in a while or ever.
The mother wound discovery led me to opening up my ego. I stated earlier that although there was truth in what I said, I could’ve just not said it at all. Ego says, “because I’m right, I’ll let it be known that I’m right and I don’t care who feels a type of way about it.” Humility and Christianity says be humble and compassionate in your delivery. Over my entire life, I have been functioning from a place of “I’ll help you, but you can only help me a little bit” And I think that is not just me, it’s black women in general. We have to be strong and do it on our own, so we adapt a life that forces us to live in that space. As a Christian, it’s detrimental, because we subconsciously tell God the same thing. “Yeah God, thanks for doing that, but I’ll carry and handle the rest” and that’s what He revealed to me during the fast. It yanked me up so bad that I had to surrender it to Him IMMEDIATELY because I’m not about to be our here disrespecting the King with my “help”. And the crazy thing is, I have a 30 day prayer journal called “God Don’t Need No Help” and here I was trying to help. Girl, sit down!
Both of these discoveries helped me to hear that God needed to reveal those to me so that I could ultimately be functional in ministry. Even if I was called to minister and to disciple, ego and mother/childhood wounds wouldn’t allow me to walk into the fullness of what it is God has assigned to me. They had to be fully revealed and surrendered and then I’d be able to walk into ministry. And also, He revealed that these are the people that I’d be ministering to. My testimony would help those who are fighting similar fights and it is my responsibility to help them to be seen, freed and delivered so that they can experience God’s grace in the way that I have. Hallelujah!
Now, let’s talk about walking into softness. Now, we’re not speaking of soft life, as in the viral moment, but soft as in God is the burden bearer, so this is my chance to give Him my things. But also, now, it’s my opportunity to live in peace. I’ve been fighting my whole life to experience what God has for me. And although I’ve experienced bits and pieces, I’ve struggled with walking into the fullness because there were some things that were in the way…SELF being the main one. But honestly, I wouldn’t have known, had I not had the year that I’ve had.
The fast was a moment to break through the former things and to begin my walk into what God has for me. Success, in God’s eyes, love and prosperity.
In this next one, we’ll dive deep into the love thing. I have a lot to say, so I need to get my thoughts together before I start airing it all out!
Love yall
- Brittaney