Today, everything is reminding me of my daddy...

So, there’s this super flu that’s going around and has been since the fall. I’ve been ducking and dodging. Then I ended up getting sick. So, I’ve had COVID and I’ve had the flu and this kinda just feels like a bad cold. But anyway, your girl is sick. But I’m a struggling adult at the time where being an adult is the most expensive, so guess who’s had to go to work, still? This girl. This was my first week of training my newest clients, hosting the first two classes of the year at The Wellness Spot, where I, ironically, teach a strength class (I’ll dive into the irony of that later) and orientation and my first official class at Roundhouse Kickboxing. So, guess who had to suck it up, put on a mask and go be great? Again, you guessed it, THIS GIRL! And in all of that, everything made me think of my daddy.

So, the first month of the year is the reset (plus rest, if you’re allowed) but for me and my faith, that means the Daniel Fast. It’s a time for clearing out my system and creating space for God. In that, I’ve been eating on a very limited scale. IE, fruits, veggies and some grains (mainly brown rice). So here’s the first place that reminds me of my daddy. When we lived together in Augusta, I was following a pretty strict routine when it came to the food I ate. I was training with a personal trainer and my eyes were set on a particular physique. So I would meal prep. When I meal prepped, I would prepare him some food to eat, as well. So the other night, I got some broccoli. My daddy liked broccoli, but only if it was very soft. I remember one of the times I made some for my prep and left him some. He ate through it while I was at work and when I came home, I asked him how he liked it. He said, “The flavor was good, but it was too hard” I’m thinking, broccoli don’t need to be all wilted, that means all the nutrients are cooked out, but here’s the thing, my daddy ain’t have no teeth, so he needed his broccoli soft. lol I kept that in mind for the next time I cooked some. I steamed a big pot, mine out when it was good and green and left his in there for a little bit longer so it could get soft. He loved it. lol

Then the other thing that has actually PAINFULLY reminded me of him. So when you’re sick, you know it’s hard to breath. Through your nose and sometimes even in general if you have phlegm in your throat. When I was having trouble breathing and getting frustrated, I thought about him. See, with me, I can just take some meds and it’ll dry the phlegm up and clear the congestion, but for my dad that wasn’t possible. When my daddy was hospitalized, I found him WEEZING for air. He could barely breathe and once tests and xrays were run, we discovered that he had a massive mass on his lungs that was majorly blocking his airway and he had been having issues breathing for the past at least 4 months and had NEVER made mention of it to me, until I discovered it. Knowing that my daddy was literally suffering in silence has made me really check myself when it comes to complaining about being sick. Although my “suffering” is valid, my guy suffered until 2 weeks before he passed because he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. Like, bro.

It’s so interesting, grief. I know that a few months ago, had I been sick and thinking of these things, I’d probably be in shambles, but now, I just reflect. I think about how important it is to not suffer in silence. I also think about how he was so selfless that he didn’t even want his pain to interfere with my happiness. What my daddy did for me, in our last few months of life reminds me of the sacrifice that Jesus made when He died on that cross. Although he did not die for my sins, he did so that I could truly LIVE. He did not tell me his pain, because he did not want to stop me from chasing my dreams. He wanted to see me soar and be the best Brittaney that I could be, despite our situation.

My daddy hated what it is to be a hero. He felt there was so much vanity in that word, but I’m sorry Daddy, I gotta say it, you are mine. You are my hero. What a humble and meek life you lived, but what a lasting a bold impression you made on me.

I love you and I miss you every single day.

Love,
Your Boo Bear